Many people, after the death of someone they love, express how alone they feel in their grief. At the same time, many friends and family want to provide support but are uncertain how best to do it. In their book Up From Grief, Bernadine Kreis and Alice Pattie write about their experience of loneliness following the deaths of their husbands. "We discussed the vast loneliness of grief and how much of that loneliness was imposed by others" (p.3). They go on to say, "When we die, someone survives and feels a sense of loss. It happens every second of every hour of every day. And yet, we have fallen into a dangerous pattern of avoiding grief …like most of us you come to grief unprepared, and once in it you face it alone. We want to help you but we just do not know how" (p.8). Along with other authors and counselors, they have begun to introduce some helpful ways of dealing with grief. These include:
- Acknowledging the loss.
Although it can be extremely difficult, every survivor needs to acknowledge that death has occurred. Friends and family can help by acknowledging it too. - Allowing expression of feeling.
We sometimes feel that crying or other expressions of feelings are a sign of weakness or a symptom that we are not coping well. However, experts in grief suggest that expression of feelings is a healthy and normal response to loss. Friends and family can help by encouraging survivors to share their feelings, if they wish to, and letting them know that we will listen and support them. - Sharing memories of the person who has died.
A person's life has meaning because it touches the lives of many others. Remembering them after death, the activities and events we shared, and the ways their lives touched ours is an important part of integrating the loss. Both happy and sad memories may need to be reviewed through photographs, sharing stories, even listening to music that reminds us of time we spent together. It is important to take time for reviewing and sharing these memories. - Carrying out ceremonies and Rituals that assist with grieving.
Formal time set aside for remembering and honoring those who have died is a part of many religious or spiritual and cultural practices. These practices develop over many years and have proven helpful through the test of time. Remembering loved ones can take place through these formal religious or spiritual celebrations or through time set aside during holiday celebrations or other gatherings. Some people feel most comfortable with private rituals of remembrance. Memorial candles can be used at any of these times to review, remember and reflect on others who were, and are, important in our lives.
